Being assertive doesn’t mean being rude

With so much attention being given to aggressive people these days, it may be surprising to learn that I have many inquiries from people who want to learn how to stand up for their rights, to quit being so passive.

Some of them are tired of doing everything possible to maintain harmony, to always being the martyr of the group and taking the crumbs instead of the first slice.

While these people don’t want to rock the boat, they realize they do need to speak up and to maintain respect and dignity when doing so.

Take the case of Lynn, who won’t refuse a single request of her best friend, Judy.

Judy, who lives across town, doesn’t drive and calls Lynn several times a day requesting rides to go out to lunch, to the market, to medical appointments, to pick up prescriptions, etc.

When Lynn asked if they could combine some of these trips and conserve both time and gasoline, Judy angrily attacked her with, “What’s the matter, are you getting tired or helping your old friend?”

Feeling guilty, and not wishing to have a disagreement, Lynn continued to respond to every call.

However, over a period of time, Lynn realized she was not in control of her life.

She began to harbor resentment toward her friend, which eventually turned to anger. The next step was depression, and it was at this point that she sought help to clarify the situation and to find a way to express her feeling without damaging the friendship.

First of all, Lynn needed to learn that being aggressive and being assertive were different. Aggressive people try to make people do what they want without considering their feelings or rights.

Assertive people communicate honestly, openly and appropriately. Lynn could have answered Judy with an honest statement, such as “I know you have many errands to attend to, but both of us could use some free time. Let’s organize these needs and not spend all the time on the road.”

Lynn needed to let Judy know that she appreciated her needs and understood her feeling of dependency on her, for driving. At the same time, she needed to let Judy know that she had needs, too.

She and Judy could have solved the driving problems without causing conflict. But people like Lynn are afraid that if they assert themselves others will get mad at them. They are afraid that if they say, “No,” they will damage or destroy a relationship. They have been taught that if you agree with everyone all the time you will be liked by everyone.

People who learn assertiveness have higher self-esteem and feel more in control of their lives. Being assertive is not being aggressive. It is being able to express thoughts and feelings in appropriate, direct and honest ways.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 1994