Changing one’s self-concept not easy

Helping individuals change the way they feel about themselves is a complex process requiring time and patience as well as other variables, some of which are still at the frontiers of research by mental health professionals.

Those of us involved in counseling have found that one of the first hurdles is attempting to help the individual see himself or herself in an objective and realistic manner. This is difficult because seeing ourselves as we really are, the way that objective observers see us, is often painful and produces anxiety.

Most individuals use complex defensive mechanisms, such as rationalization and denial, to prevent them from confronting their imperfections and shortcomings in interacting with people in the world around them. Over a period of time, perceptual distortions occur, impairing their ability to assess their interaction with the environment. Eventually these distorted thinking patterns become their frame of reference for dealing with almost everybody and everything.

Some mental health professionals and researchers believe that there may be an inherent, biological predisposition to distort reality. In this extreme form, the individuals may truly believe that everyone is against them, that they have some special talent which enables them to read other people’s minds, or that voices of unseen persons are telling them what to do. They see things that no one else perceives. In a much less extreme form, many individuals have a chronically pessimistic outlook on life. They view things in a very negative, unhappy way which often influences negative outcomes.

Many of us know people who seem “not to be happy unless they are unhappy.” Any hint of optimism reflexively produces a “yes, but.” Their mystery seems to know no boundaries. Living with, working with, or even briefly dealing with them is unrewarding and difficult.

By contrast, one has only to examine the outlook of someone like Helen Keller or Betty Ford to appreciate an alternate outlook on life.

Self-perceptions can be changed. The following methods have been found to be effective:

• Decide that healthy self-esteem is possible to achieve. Begin by discarding the “Yes, buts.”

• Seek the help of someone who will help you see your stronger and more positive characteristics.

• Target some areas of self-improvement. Set reasonable goals in accomplishing these challenges. Recognize and give yourself credit for successes when they come.

• Get involved in helping those less fortunate. The reward of helping others reinforces positive self-concepts.

• Begin developing an awareness of irrational, illogical thought processes which perpetuate negative thinking. Watch out for “shoulds” and “oughts” in your vocabulary which lead to unrealistic and unreasonable expectations. Remember, you can’t please everyone. Look out for continual and excessive perfectionism, and inordinate need for approval.

Changing one’s self-concept is not an easy or rapidly accomplishable task, but it is one that pays many dividends in terms of quality.

Copyright c 1991 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.