Face it – affairs don’t just ‘happen’

During the past few weeks, I have attempted to provide some insight into reasons or situations that lead people into having sexual relationships outside of marriage. Affairs are usually complex, caused by many components.

In the first place, affairs don’t just happen. A person must make a decision to proceed with an extramarital relationship. Most people seek a new relationship because they believe it will fulfill some unmet need.

Some of the reasons affairs begin are:


An urge to seek variety. Many people believe variety is the spice of life.

A desire for excitement. The idea of an illicit affair is stimulating to many people.

Dissatisfaction with the current partner. Believing that a new relationship will solve current marriage problems may cause a person to look for someone else.

A desire for a morale-booster. A new relationship can be an excuse for restoring self-esteem, getting even with a partner or simply softening a disappointment.

The Don Juan theory. Some men and women are always on the lookout for the perfect lover and are incapable of having a monogamous relationship.

Providing suggestions for decreasing the likelihood of having affairs is like giving solutions for world peace – a multitude of complex solutions pours forth. However, some very basic suggestions are:


Seek premarital counseling. Before you tie the knot, discuss your home life before a minister or a qualified professional and consider the key elements of a healthy relationship. Then commit yourself to preserving them.

Schedule time together. Continue the dating game after marriage. Plan a trip, take a drive, sit in the quiet of nature and discuss priorities. Look back at where you have been and head to where you want to go. Strive for a 60/40 split, with each partner trying to give 60 percent.

Try to stay healthy and attractive. Develop an open attitude about sex within your marriage. Express your feelings, but listen more than you talk.

Protect yourself when a difficult period arises, such as a midlife crisis. Don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position. Try to understand the stages of human development and prepare for transitions.

Strive for balance in life and try to develop a philosophy that recognizes marriage as a lifelong commitment. Keep value systems intact. For most of us, a spiritual commitment provides the basic coping tools to make married life the wonderful experience it was meant to be.

Seek professional help if you see storm clouds on the horizon. Don’t wait until problems become insurmountable.

If you discover your partner has had an affair, you may wonder whether your marriage can be saved. One affair does not necessarily mean another will occur. Many couples, through their own efforts and counseling, have survived and improved mutual understanding.