We’ve all learned through past experience that there are no perfect parents. Yet when situations arise and results are less than the standards set, parents may wonder, “Where did I fail?”
Most parents who come to me are loving, kind parents who have wanted their children to have happy childhoods, to have opportunities for growth and development that assure them of productive and happy adulthoods.
Many of these parents have sacrificed time, finances and even their own personal goals to provide what they thought were the essential ingredients for being not “perfect,” but certainly “best” parents. Although they made those sacrifices willingly and cheerfully, it is when the outcome is different than expected that their cheerful attitude fails.
Aside from wondering what else they could have done, parents often lament and ponder their own deficiencies. They not only forget there are no perfect parents, they forget that they are just human and that there are no perfect human role models.
An old adage applied to newborns is that they don’t come with a written set of instructions. Parenting, like living, is a day to day process. No one can foresee the pitfalls and the joys and the bumps ahead.
As one single parent told me recently, “If I could predict what lies ahead in the next year, I would feel extremely fortunate. I am lucky to be able to forecast events for the next week or month.”
She said she has accepted this situation and has learned to make daily decisions for herself and her child, always giving each one serious thought and saying to herself, “That is the best I can do for the moment.” Then she tries to never look back.
At the same time, she says, she doesn’t look too far into the future. Situations change, opportunities arise, and being prepared to accept them also means not sitting around waiting for them to happen.
Parents who plan too much for their children may face disappointment when the child makes a decision out of line with those plans. It may be when the child marches to a different drummer. It may be when the child decides not to step into the shoes of the family business or pursue the same profession of the parent. It might be that one child accepts the plans and follows through while another child, given the same opportunities and encouragement, rejects those plans to pursue other interests.
Aside from the deep disappointment, the time and energy invested, should parents blame themselves when plans do not materialize? I think not.
Looking back, parents will find they did the best they could at the time. Regardless of how much kids learn from their parents, children also learn from the world around them. Perceptions are formed from outside stimuli and from information that molds their unique personalities and talents.
All parents make mistakes in judgment, planning and disciplining. But as long as they are honest mistakes, parents should consider them lessons learned, lessons for both the parent and the child. More likely than not, they were decisions made with the child’s welfare in mind. And kids will come to know that, either at the moment or sometime later in life.
Hi.
I’m an experienced Clinical Practitioner, Administrator, Professional Writer, and Lecturer.
