“I Wonder If I’m Just A Loser.”
Dear Dr. LeCrone:
My wife left me six months ago after two years of marriage.
I loved her very much and thought she felt the same way about me. She loved to party, was very flirtatious, and, eventually, had an affair with another man. I am more of a homebody and conservative in relationships with the opposite sex outside of marriage.
Before she left me, she told me that we were mismatched and that I was boring, jealous and a stick in the mud. While I am now confused, lonely, hurt and angry, I want to find someone else eventually to spend my life with. Because of what happened in my recent marriage, I have lost my self-respect and wonder if I am just a loser. Please give me some advice.
— A reader in Georgia
Dear Reader:
Your feelings and emotions regarding your unhappy marriage need time to be processed and moved to a perspective which reduces the risk of old emotional baggage that interferes with future relationships.
It sounds like you may be beating yourself up pretty badly at this time. Many individuals have difficulty in ceasing the self-absorption and preoccupation with pain, injustice and details dealing with events from the past. As difficult as it may be, the person starting over needs to be able to come to the point where he or she can ask themselves “what can I learn from the past that will help me in the future?”
Professional counseling, along with support networks such as singles groups, divorce support groups and trauma survivor groups can also assist individuals in dealing with change like yours.
As one lets go and learns from the past, fear of the future begins to diminish. Starting over also gives you the opportunity to deal with misjudgments that may have caused problems in the past.
Discuss standards, boundaries and clearly define your expectations in any new relationships before things become too serious. Ask any potential mate to do the same and, if these essential elements of a healthy relationship are incompatible, be wary of tying the knot. In my opinion, premarital counseling should strongly be considered by any couple seeking a strong and healthy marriage.
Unfortunately, you are not the first person, nor will you be the last, to experience this traumatic situation. With time and assistance, your pain will diminish and your self-respect will gain new footing.
