Doris was in a dilemma, and the events causing it were occurring frequently.
She was scheduled to run the carpool on Monday morning for two of her three children, but her mother called late Sunday night telling her that her father had to go to the doctor. Since there was no one to take him, could Doris please help out?
Being caught between the responsibilities of her children and her parents was difficult for Doris. And it is a problem facing many people during middle age.
The psychological stress this produces on the individual sandwiched between children and parents produces many difficulties, mainly feelings of guilt and neglect for not being able to meet the needs of both generations.
Common characteristics of the two elements producing the sandwich are:
• The elderly and children especially adolescents, are usually very self-centered, feeling their needs are the most important things in the world.
• Dependency is a characteristic that compounds the problem and worsens as the adult child falls into the trap of doing everything for the elderly parent.
• Role reversal can be unpleasant if the young adult now must care for a parent who was rejecting, unloving or uncaring.
• Often stress arises when the adult children face the inevitability of their own deaths as awareness of the medical problems of elderly parents are strongly visible.
• Illness and necessary medical expenses for the elderly parent often coincide with college expenses of the children.
• Stress arises when decisions have to be made about placement in a retirement center or nursing home.
What can be done to help the sandwiched individual?
• Include aging parents in decisions about their future. Don’t put all the responsibility on yourself.
• Be open and honest with the aging parent. Don’t try to hide things or use denial because the aging parent may begin to feel even more childlike and dependent.
• Don’t do things for elderly parents they can do for themselves. This fosters dependency and makes problems worse.
• Don’t make sacrifices of yourself and your income that become a sacrifice “at all costs.” Resentment can begin to build and cause further difficulties.
• Try to keep a sense of humor. The lighter side of situations that come up with children and aging parents often helps in dealing with this stage of life.
Finding someone in the same situation – and exchanging views and solutions – also helps.
One important thing to remember is problems of the sandwich generation are not forever. But learning about the possible pitfalls and having a plan to deal with them before the time comes along can make the sandwich time more pitfalls.
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I’m an experienced Clinical Practitioner, Administrator, Professional Writer, and Lecturer.
