Aging Parents

Dear Dr. LeCrone: Can you provide some general guide lines for helping me meet the needs and demands of my parents who are both nearing 80? I want to help without taking over their lives.

A daughter in St. Petersburg, Florida

Dear Daughter:

Adult children sometimes become overly involved in many of the decisions and elements of their aging parents’ lives. It often starts in minor ways, such as helping them with decisions about investments or making inquiries on their behalf about transportation or medical needs. A problem arises when the aging parents begin to feel they are less and less able to make decisions without the input and assistance of their adult children. This can create a dependency that is unhealthy and can culminate in a “shutdown” of the aging parents’ decision-making ability. When possible, it is better to offer to simply serve as an adviser or consultant.

Be cautious about becoming too involved in other areas of the aging parents’ lives. Insisting that it is too much of an effort for them to physically exert themselves around the house, walk across a parking lot at the mall or climb a few steps can be a big mistake. Encouraging dependency can rush aging parents toward invalidism which can be disastrous for both them and you.

Reinforce aging parents’ discussions surrounding positive events in their lives by showing interest in and applauding their initiative and effort. Letting aging parents capture your attention only by discussing their aches and pains, sadness, loneliness, and their dissatisfaction in life leads them to perpetuate this kind of thinking and discussion.

Encourage parents to think about living environments where social interaction can be achieved on a regular basis.

Recognize that ageism in our society is a problem akin to other “isms” such as racism and sexism. For example, believing that your aging parents are too old to enjoy intimacy and therefore don’t need privacy can cause unnecessary intrusion in their lives.

Finally, don’t take aging parents for granted. They are not automatically there to baby sit, watch your house while you are on vacation or loan you money when you need it. Spend time with them, laugh together, and treat them with respect.

Good luck to you and your parents.