Aging parents shouldn’t be treated like children
Among the many challenges facing the baby boomer generation is the so-called “sandwich dilemma.” This potentially stressful period of time during middle age arises when the necessity of satisfying the needs and demands of adolescent and young adult children coincides with the necessity of meeting the needs and demands of aging parents.
Parents know the needs of adolescent and young adult children are often time-consuming, financially demanding and complicated. But often, at the same time, these parents are having to cope with their own aging parents, who are undergoing physical and psychological changes that also can require time, effort and money. Those in the baby boomer generation need to begin thinking about the sandwich years and planning ahead, when possible, for those demands.
Here are guidelines that may be helpful in meeting the needs and demands of aging parents:
• Adult children often make the mistake of trying to “take over” many of the decisions and elements of their aging parents’ lives. It often starts in minor ways, such as helping them with decisions about investments or making inquiries on their behalf about transportation or medical needs. A problem arises when the aging parents begin to feel they are less and less able to make decisions without the input and assistance of their adult children. This can create a dependency that is unhealthy and stressful and can culminate in a “shutdown” of the aging parents’ decision-making abilities. A good approach in most situations is to offer to serve as an adviser or consultant without becoming the final decision maker.
• Be cautious about becoming too involved in other areas of the aging parents’ lives. Insisting that it is too much of an effort for them to physically exert themselves around the house, walk across a parking lot at the mall or climb a few steps can be a big mistake. Encouraging dependency can rush aging parents toward invalidism, which can be disastrous for both them and you.
• Positively reinforce the aging parents’ discussions surrounding positive events in their lives by showing interest in and applauding their initiative and effort. Letting aging parents capture your attention only be discussing their aches and pains, sadness and loneliness and their dissatisfaction in life leads them to perpetuate this kind of thinking and discussion.
• Encourage parents to think about living environments where social interaction can be achieved on a regular basis.
• Recognize that ageism in our society is a problem akin to other “isms” such as racism and sexism. For example, believing that your aging parents are too old to enjoy sex so don’t need privacy can cause unnecessary intrusion of their lives.
• Finally, don’t take aging parents for granted. They are not automatically there to babysit, watch your house which you are on vacation or loan you money when you need it.
The sandwich years can be difficult and stressful, but they can also be challenging and rewarding with flexibility, pre-planning, and the proper perspective.
