Talking to Aging Parents

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My parents retired a few years ago and they live about two hours away from me and my siblings. We are beginning to worry about our parent’s ability to take care of their home, pay bills, and make it to doctor’s appointments. My father has a history of heart problems and my mother is a diabetic. I’m wondering if my parents should start thinking about transitioning to assisted living. When I try to talk with them about my concerns, they seem defensive and hurt. How do I approach these issues with my aging parents?

R.B. from Ohio

Dear Reader:

Coping with the stressors associated with aging is a difficult task for any family. However, there are ways to open the door to healthy communication around issues of growing older. For children of aging parents it is important to remember that as in all stages of life, older adults are experiencing changes not only physically but also psychologically. For example, retired adults often grapple with changes in long established routines, changes in relationships, and, perhaps, changes in their financial situation. Growing older often means needing to depend on others for care, including adult children, and this dependency can cause great feelings of guilt, sadness, and/or helplessness.

When talking with aging parents about finances, health, living arrangements, and other changes, avoid controlling messages and condescending statements. Instead, empower the older adult to actively participate in decisions about their future. Forcing, coercing, or manipulating aging parents into making decisions can lead to significant problems among family members.

Try to plan ahead for conversations and avoid bringing up difficult and stressful topics during large family gatherings. Give aging parents the opportunity to express feelings and share emotions. Listen attentively and consider tackling only one issue at a time rather than attempting to solve multiple problems in one conversation. Think of these issues as a “team effort” and make sure that aging parents play a considerable role in the decision making process. Talk with siblings and other family members about their concerns and share these in a respectful and caring way with aging parents.

Keep in mind that aging parents have had a lifetime of making decisions on their own and adult children need to be very sensitive and tactful when offering suggestions and assistance.