Integrity, self esteem go hand in hand

The opportunity for the child to apologize, admit his mistake and feel remorse was lost when his mother said to him “you will do no such thing as apologize. Most of the kids in your class cheat if they have a chance. You were just unlucky and got caught”. A few days earlier this same child roughed up a much younger child at recess resulting in the principal calling his father. That evening the father commented to his son “this is a tough world and those who are too weak to take care of themselves should move aside. Your principal is stupid.” Given this parental road map for making choices it was predictable that this same child would break into a neighbors home several years later and steal valuable property.

The psychologist at the juvenile detention center was asked to perform an assessment of this child’s personality which yielded strong anti social tendencies and very poor self-esteem. When asked by the psychologist to write a paragraph on integrity the child wrote “I don’t really have a clue, I think it may be one of those old fashioned things that happened in fairy tales”. This child had become a prisoner of denial and rationalization. Reality was a blur for him and his ability to feel compassion, love and respect for others had long since disappeared.

Integrity is part of the constellation of features in mentally healthy people who respect themselves. A result of pursuing high standards, even when no one else is watching or seems to care. Integrity is the high road, though often difficult or unpopular. Doing the morally correct thing, even when you know the result may be pain and suffering, is a good measure of integrity.

There is an old saying that goes something like this: “people who respect themselves are people of integrity, and only people with integrity can respect themselves”. Self-esteem is the sibling of integrity. An individual lacking integrity has poor self-esteem. Going against and violating our moral code slowly chips away at our self-esteem leaving us less and less able to make healthy choices. When ones integrity is defended, his self-esteem is enhanced so that exercising strong moral judgment builds healthy self-esteem.

Closely related to integrity is honor, another “old fashioned” building block of strong character. Honor is demonstrated in many ways. Admitting mistakes rather than making excuses. Practicing self discipline instead of doing what comes easily or feels good. Being truthful rather than lying. All part of honesty, integrity and healthy self-esteem.

Healthy parenting demonstrates the kinds of behaviors and values you want your children to learn. Modeling virtues such as integrity, honesty, self-discipline and fairness with your child and others accomplishes this goal.

The next time you give your child your blue print for dealing with life, think about the consequences. Poor self-esteem is hard to rebuild.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2001