Is My 85 Year Old Father’s Girlfriend After His Money?

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My 85-year-old father lives in a nursing home and suffers from severe memory impairment and a lot of confusion. He and my mother had been married happily for 60 years, but she died four years ago.

His dementia has completely erased his memory of the past, including his life with my mother and his children. I am now his legal guardian. Recently, my father has become very infatuated with a very nice woman in the nursing home, and the feelings are mutual, according to his lady friend and the staff at the nursing home. He said that they are in love and refers to her as his wife. Their companionship has made my dad a much happier person. They sit together at meals and hold hands a lot of the time.

My two sisters and I are concerned about a number of issues including his referring to her as his wife, and we are fearful that she could somehow benefit financially from dad’s estate. We are all also having difficulty reconciling our feelings about dad’s many years of a happy marriage with mom and his “falling in love” with someone in a situation like this. All three of us are struggling with what is best for everyone concerned. I do know that my father was very lonely and depressed before this relationship developed and his well-being is one of my concerns. Please suggest a direction for us.

— A concerned daughter

Dear Reader:

Avoid making snap decisions and try to separate fears from reality. People with significant dementia and cognitive impairment often suffer from delusional thinking. His belief that he is married to his companion is possibly part of the world of unreality that he is living in at this time. The administrator and social worker at the nursing home along with the advice of an attorney can help investigate your fears about her becoming a beneficiary of his estate. Loneliness is one of the most common problems facing residents in long-term care settings. This loneliness can lead to depression, anxiety and other medical problems. The companionship that he and his friend are experiencing sounds like a great emotional uplift for both of them. You and your sisters may need to explore your ambivalent feelings and consider all of your options including letting go of your reservations concerning your father’s new relationship.