Change and the Elderly

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My father is 87, a widower and lives by himself. He has a few health problems including arthritis, poor hearing and congestive heart failure. His mind is pretty sharp, which we three children are grateful for. Our problem concerns his inflexible attitude toward change. For example, he drives an old car which is safe but in constant need of repair. He has plenty of financial resources but won’t even consider a newer car. My sister and I would like to redecorate the house that he has lived in for fifty years but he refuses our suggestions. When we take him out to dinner he always insists on going to the same little old run down restaurant and won’t try anything new. Please help.
-A reader in Florida

Dear Reader:

Many older individuals seem to be less flexible and more rigid when, in fact their world affords them fewer options because of changes in physical condition, limitations in financial resources, and a culture and society which often undervalue the opinions of older people. Also, as we age we often embrace tradition and custom due to many years of experience. The older individual has had years to sift and sort, thereby enabling him to decide for himself what he likes and dislikes, wants and doesn’t want, enjoys or not enjoys.

Additionally, as people age they began to experience more and more loss, and with these losses comes change. Death of friends, a spouse, and other family members can produce a sense of loneliness and isolation. Changes in health are often accompanied by loss in sensory abilities, physical capacity, and in some cases, diminished cognitive functioning. As loss and inevitable change occurs the individual is dealing with the desire to maintain as much order and control in his life as possible. Decreasing the number of changes by exerting control where possible can provide feelings of security and can leave the individual with more psychological comfort.

If your father is harming no one, including himself, by his behavior and he seems happy and content, then perhaps you should cease worrying and let him enjoy his life. His memories of the past are grounded with the environment he chooses for himself at this time. You can continue to offer him new opportunities but resist taking over on his life for him.