It’s hard for elderly to give up driving

Asking an elderly parent to cease driving their automobile is one of the most sensitive issues families face. A reader recently provided the following information and posed a question, “My father, who is eighty-seven and a widower of many years, lives by himself and is able to take care of most of his routine needs. He lives in the suburb of a large city and has quite a few friends and several relatives who live in the same area. He is financially comfortable and, until recently, has seemed to have a healthy attitude about his age and the changes in his life that have occurred as a result of getting older. Several weeks ago he was told by his family doctor that his vision has deteriorated to the point that he should quit driving his automobile. Several of his children talked to the doctor and agreed with the recommendation. Frankly, we had been worried for the last several years because of several fender benders, ruined tires as a result of hitting curbs, running over objects that better vision would have prevented, etc. He seems angry, depressed, and in disagreement with this decision. Do you have any recommendations about how this situation can best be handled?"

First of all, I would recommend that you try to understand the impact of this change on your father's psychological outlook on life. This is most often seen as a major loss of freedom for individuals who have been driving since there were teenagers. The depression, anger, and disbelief that you describe are symptoms of the grief and mourning that he is going through at this time. To try to deny him these emotions or refute the validity of his feelings is akin to telling a person who has suffered a significant loss that their feelings are not important and that they have no right to mourn the loss. Instead, encourage him to share his feelings and empathize with his loss. He probably knows the risks that driving with impaired vision entails, but he is having difficulty accepting this reality. He most likely believes that he can take care of himself quite well and resents the loss of control that has been imposed upon him at this time.

You can begin to present options and alternatives to him, but don't expect a lot of enthusiasm at this point.

• Explore the possibility of other transportation in the area where he lives. A number of organizations provide transportation to senior citizens at little or no cost. Contact your local area agency on aging and your local churches.

• Point out that the money he will save in not owning and maintaining an automobile (including insurance) can go a long way toward paying someone to chauffeur him. Taxis, children and grandchildren with a driver's license, friends and neighbors can all be pooled together into a network that makes transportation available to your father.

Don't overlook the possibility that moving to a living facility providing transportation for residents may be in his best interest, either now or in the not too distant future. Many beautiful and affordable retirement and assisted living centers provide this service.

Remember that the loss of an automobile is often perceived as the ultimate loss of freedom. Don't minimize this trauma or fail to deal with its impact on the aging person's life.