Father's Day

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I wonder if you would help me with the struggle I’m having expressing my feelings for my father on Father’s Day. We had a very poor relationship when I was growing up. He was gone a lot of the time with his work, hobbies and friends. He rarely told me he loved me and was very harsh and critical most of the time. He drank too much and was also often verbally abusive to my mother. He and my mother divorced when I was in my teens and I didn’t see him again for about 20 years until he recently contacted me. He says that he wants to “mend his fences,” including his relationship with me. I’ve never been a very forgiving person so mending fences is difficult for me, especially when I didn’t damage the fences in the first place. I now have a son myself and have definitely learned from my father how NOT to raise a son. Any suggestions on how I should approach this whole thing?

-A reader in California

Dear reader:

This is a tough one to answer in a short space but here are some of my thoughts.

How do you feel about not being a very forgiving person? If this is something that you would like to change then maybe beginning to forgive your father would be a gift to him. Even more importantly, forgiving may be a lifelong gift to yourself, your family and anyone else who needs your forgiveness.

I wonder if in some sort of ironic way, the positive parenting skills that you have used in rearing your son have come from lessons learned from the mistakes your father made in rearing you. Effective parenting skills are often hard to come by so your misfortune may be an unexpected blessing to your son. Stranger things have happened in life.

At this point, perhaps a simple card saying, “I wish you, my father, a happy Fathers Day” may be about all the feelings that you can express at this time.

Professional counseling may be a good next step for you to consider in dealing with the past and future relationship with your father.

Good luck to you and happy Father’s day to all Fathers.