New stepgrandparents should take it slow

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I wonder if you can help with a problem that my wife and I are facing? We have never had the privilege of being grandparents, but several months ago, our daughter, who is an only child, married a man who has two children by his first marriage. These children, now our stepgrandchildren, already have four grandparents (his parents and his ex-wife’s parents). My wife and I are very excited about our new role as stepgrandparents but we sense that there may be some problems ahead for us. For example, since the children already have a good relationship with four grandparents, is there going to be a place for us both in terms of emotions and time? Also, how fast should we try to develop a relationship with these children, or, should we try to establish relationship with the children’s other grandparents or not? We are trying hard to get off on the right foot in this new relationship but, since we have no experience, we need some help.”

Dear Reader:

You pose some interesting and valuable questions. There are a few twists and turns in stepgrandparenting that may not be found in the relationship between a child and grandparents.

Several factors need to be considered in the stepgrandchild-stepgrandparent relationship:

• The relationship between the step grandchild and stepgrandparent can be influenced by the parents’ remarriage. Tension generated by blended family issues can spill over into and affect the relationship between stepgrandchild and stepgrandparent. However, harmony and healthy adjustment in the remarriage can make the new roles between stepgrandchild and stepgrandparent potentially much easier.

• It’s hard to give any child too much love. In general, the more people the child has to love, the better. Stepgrandparents need to find out what roles other grandparents may be playing in the stepgrandchild’s life and avoid getting into competitive situations with the other grandparents. Also avoid being perceived as trying to “take over” the traditions and history that preceded your new position in the family.

• Don’t be in a hurry, let the children be ready to accept you in your new role rather than force yourself upon them. Start off with limited involvement and see how your role as a stepgrandparent can be expanded without stepping on anyone else’s toes. Start out as a friend and let this role become more personal as time passes.

• Check frequently with your own child, the children’s mother, to see how things are going. Ask her to help you make decisions about how to form this new stepgrandchild-stepgrandparent relationship. Make yourself available to be friends with the other grandparents if they want to develop a relationship with you. Let these new roles develop slowly, too. Blended families often have many issues to work through, especially during the early years of remarriage.

Good luck to you in your new role as step grandparents.