Resilience and Character in Children

Do you remember the story of the princess and the pea? In a test to prove her true identity and unusual sensitivity, the princess felt discomfort from a pea placed under a thick layer of mattresses. Her sensitivity served her well in this situation but most individuals need more resilience and hardiness to deal with life.

Parents often, in an attempt to make a child feel completely happy and content, try to protect him from real world experiences. The parents’ intent is to protect the child from giant boulders not small peas. The difficulty lies in the ability to protect from catastrophe while creating the ability to cope with adversity, disappointments and challenges.
Here are some suggestions for building character and resilience:

Teach your child that the values, morals and behaviors he sees in the world are not necessarily yours and need not be his. Help him understand that healthy lifestyles are, in part, products of good choices and decisions. Also, make sure you provide healthy parental examples. Critically evaluate your words and actions and be honest with yourself about the “blueprint” that you are creating for your child to follow.

Let your child know that you decide on acceptable limits and boundaries that do not necessarily include input or pressure from the media, peers, or other families. Be prepared to handle your child’s inevitable unhappiness with some of your decisions.

Resist the temptation to try to shield and protect your child from any and all of life’s adversities. Realistically, the world is not a bed of roses and bringing your child up in a “bubble” of artificial security creates false assumptions and perceptions as the child matures.

Be available for advice but as your child matures let him explore options and learn to make decisions. Yes, you usually have the final say, but try to instill confidence in your child by letting decisions and consequences become his.

Be aware of tendencies to keep a child tied to your apron strings because of your own insecurity or need for control. Don’t overreact to painful experiences that inevitably occur in life. A scratched knee is not a catastrophe. A broken toy does not always have to be replaced. A failing grade is not a total disaster. Making mountains out of mole hills can create hypersensitivity to adversity.

Remember, the pea beneath the mattress may often just take a little getting used to.