The foundation of a strong relationship
As my wife and I become involved in the pre-nuptial activities of our oldest son and his fiancée, the memories of our own marriage, 30 years ago this month, return to us.
We were both nearing the completion of our graduate studies, she in law and I in psychology. Our courtship had lasted for almost three years and both my parents and her’s gave their blessing and approval to this new relationship.
My love, devotion and respect for Blakie have grown during the last 30 years as we have traveled the path of marriage, family and careers together. As the first of our children prepares to embark upon this adventure, I want to reflect on the elements I feel have given strength and commitment to our relationship.
Our family backgrounds were similar in many ways. Both sets of parents believed strongly in education for their children, had strong religious convictions, placed their own marriage second only to their relationship with God and had similar lifestyles.
Neither my wife nor I had been exposed to marriages filled with strife and discord, but we had both witnessed economic struggles.
Both my father and my father-in-law were risk takers and entrepreneurs. Their wives and families learned to view economic security somewhat differently from many other families.
Blakie and I both knew, however, that this economic philosophy did not extend into the strong bonds that existed in our family relationships. Neither of us remember our parents talking much about commitment in their relationships. We took that as a matter of fact, having the same strength as the need to breathe, sleep and receive nourishment. These wonderful role models have served as the cornerstone of our own marriage.
Research shows that in healthy marriages the couple views each other as best friends. Friends avoid control issues and power struggles. Friends are understanding and sensitive of each other’s needs and differences.
Finally, and most importantly, true friends trust each other. This trust includes being able to confide painful and negative feelings with out be chastised, criticized or demeaned.
Along with being best friends, Blakie and I also share many interests. There is a closeness that occurs because of this and these shared interests have grown more numerous as our marriage progressed.
We both believe strongly, however, that some autonomy is needed. Our personality differences make divergent pursuits at time mutually acceptable and healthy.
When a marriage produces children, agreement on discipline and child rearing practices is essential. These things should be discussed and compromises and agreement reached before the children are born.
I share these points with readers who I think will find this information useful and applicable to their own relationships. I share them with my son as I wish him a happy married life.
I hope your marriages can be as wonderful, happy and exciting as mine has been for the last 30 years.
