The Abusive Relationship

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I need assistance in dealing with a controlling and abusive husband. We have been married for 12 years and have two children.

I have repeatedly tried to get him to go with me to see a counselor or even go by himself, but he steadfastly refuses to do either. I am very confused, depressed and fearful of his behavior, both physical and mental. Would you please discuss the controlling and abusive husband and make suggestions to help me?

-A reader in Mississippi

Dear Reader:

Abusive husbands often have a pathological need to control their wives.
This control takes many forms. For example, the husband frequently tries to separate his wife from her parents, siblings and friends, often discouraging contact through subtle manipulations or through demanding direct efforts.

These same women encounter other difficulties, such as his need to control finances, often doling out the money to create an atmosphere of dependency. He may also demand accountability by wanting to know whom she talks to and what she and her friends talk about, and even inquiring about her personal and private feelings.

The abusive husband may also have a problem with alcohol or other drugs that make the situation worse.

The pattern of control and abuse is not bound by ethnic, intellectual, economic, or educational boundaries. It is seen more often when a family is under stress or within a family where the husband comes from a psychologically unhealthy family background.

Often, when the husband’s irrational need for control becomes violent, the woman feels less capable of breaking out of this terrible predicament. Jealousy, suspicion and an uncontrolled temper are often found in this pattern. As dependency increases, her self-confidence disappears.

To help stop the cycle of abuse:

• Become involved in a support group.

• Expect some feelings of guilt, denial, anger and confusion to emerge. When children are involved, realize that the whole family unit must be treated.

• If the spouse is not willing to seek help, don’t wait. Often a professionally trained therapist can help detach and separate the elements of this complex problem so that the woman can make a decision to change the cycle of abuse.

• Remember that our society has laws to help women and children in abusive situations. Professional education and training programs now address these issues. Community support groups also provide assistance.

Don’t wait to obtain help; start now.