Separation

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My husband of 15 years left me a few days ago saying he wants a separation and time to sort out his feelings. I am in love with him and think we need to seek the help of a marriage counselor. Please suggest a plan for me.

-A reader in Maine

Dear Reader:

In crisis situations, the initial response is important and should be as free as possible from panic. Resist letting your emotions dictate your initial response because your spouse may be confused and not thinking in a logical and rational manner. Panic may precipitate a response from him which otherwise might not have occurred. Support of close friends and family is important, but broadcasting your situation to individuals outside this tight core of people is probably unwise.

Seek the assistance and counsel from someone trained to deal with this situation. Ministers, marital and family therapists, and mental health providers can help you cope with this crisis. Generally speaking, the counselor should not try to make decisions for you, but, instead this professional can help you look at choices, consequences, and the history leading to your current situation. As a rule, counselors refrain from judging, labeling, and prematurely interpreting a problem in order to avoid precipitating a decision on your part which might be premature and not in your best interest. Often, the counselor will suggest that the husband and wife come in together in order to try to assess the possibility of reconciliation and therapy.

Stress in times like this, especially when prolonged over a period of weeks or months, can lead to clinical depression. Physical and psychological problems, such as weight loss or gain, sleep problems, concentration difficulties, mood swings, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and frequent crying spells can occur. Medical consultation may be necessary to help you get through this trauma and should be strongly considered prior to a break down in physical or psychological health.

Children affected by parental separation may also need assistance in sorting out their feelings and emotions. They should be encouraged to talk about their feelings and made to feel free of guilt if they are feeling responsible for their parents' actions.

Love and support from family, friends, and professionals, along with the tincture of time, can hopefully promote resolution in this often traumatic situation.