Dealing with the pain when a spouse leaves
One of the most devastating situations in adult life occurs when one spouse abandons the other. It is also one of the most difficult to deal with as the shock can be severe enough to precipitate physical and psychological damage. This event--often unexpected--sends shock waves through the whole family and friends. At times the separation may occur out of necessity, such as when spousal abuse occurs. In other situations there is another man or woman in the background, further complicating this very tragic situation. Rarely does the abandoned party expect this traumatic separation and consequently is left with a myriad of details to take care of, such as finances, assistance with child care, explanations to family and friends, not to mention the bewildered and confused feelings of the after shock.
Although every situation is different, some of the following guidelines may be beneficial in dealing with this difficult situation.
• As in any crisis situation, the initial response is important and should be as free as possible from panic. If the abandoned spouse panics, it may precipitate a response from the departing spouse which otherwise might not have occurred. Resist letting your emotions dictate your initial response. Your spouse is most likely confused also and not thinking in a logical and rational manner. Objective assessment and satisfactory decisions can be negatively impacted by impulsive, poorly thought out responses. Seeking support of close friends and family is important, but broadcasting the dilemma to individuals outside this tight core of people is unwise.
• Seek the assistance and counsel from someone trained to deal with this situation. Ministers, marital and family therapists, and other mental health providers can help the abandoned spouse sort out and begin to crystallize feelings. Generally speaking, the counselor should not try to make decisions for those they assist, but should help them look at choices, consequences, and antecedents to their current situation. As a rule, counselors refrain from judgment, labeling, and premature interpretations for fear of precipitating a decision which might be premature and not in the best interest of the client. Often, the counselor will suggest the husband and wife come in together in order to try to assess the possibility of reconciliation and therapy for the couple.
• Stress in times like this, especially when prolonged over a period of weeks or months, leads to clinical depression. Physical and psychological problems, such as weight loss or gain, sleep problems, concentration difficulties, mood swings, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and frequent crying spells can occur. Medical consultation may be necessary to help the individual get through this trauma and should be strongly considered prior to a break down in physical or psychological health.
• Children affected by parental separation may need assistance in sorting out their feelings and emotions. They should be encouraged to talk about their feelings and made to feel free of guilt if they are feeling responsible for their parents' actions.
Love and support from family, friends, and professionals, along with the tincture of time, can hopefully promote resolution in this often traumatic situation.
