Many Wives are Kept Under Man's Thumb
Many of the letters I receive from female readers present this scenario:
They are married to an individual who they feel has a pathological need to control them. This control takes many forms. Sometimes gradually, sometimes abruptly, the husband has tried to separate her from her parents, siblings and friends, often discouraging contact through subtle manipulations or through demanding direct efforts. The result is that she feels isolated and realizes that he feels more in control of her.
These women encounter other difficulties, such as his need to control finances, often doling out the money to create an atmosphere of dependency. He may also demand accountability by wanting to know whom she talks to, what she and her friends talk about, and even inquiring about her personal and private feelings.
Many of the letters I receive contain descriptions of physical and psychological abuse, some resulting from substance abuse. The pattern is not bound by ethical, intellectual, economic, or educational boundaries. But it is seen more often when a family is under stress or within a family where the husband came from a dysfunctional family and from which he developed personality problems. He has a need “to fix” his wife’s inadequacies, project or real.
When the irrational need for control becomes vicious, the women feel less capable of breaking out of this terrible predicament. Jealousy, suspicion and a violent temper are often found in this pattern. As dependency increases, her self-confidence disappears. She doubts her ability to make it her own, even if she makes a good salary. I have heard many a comment, “I was more able to make decisions and think for myself when I was a child.”
Those of us in the mental health profession have seen this problem in our practices. It is extremely unfortunate when it is seen in the later stages and a woman is brought into the emergency room after suffering physical assault.
Some suggestions for early intervention are:
• Become involved in a support group.
• Consider seeking professional help.
• Recognize and expect that many complex feelings and emotions will develop during the process of evaluation. Guilt, denial, anger and confusion often emerge. When children are involved, realize that the whole family unit must be treated.
• When the spouse is not willing to seek help, don’t wait. Often the therapist can help detach and separate the elements of this complex problem so that the woman can make a decision to change the cycle of abuse.
• Remember that society is changing its attitudes and laws to help women and children in abusive situations. Professional education and training programs now address these issues. Community support groups provide assistance. Early intervention and understanding are the first step.
