When benign jealousy turns into a monster

According to some authorities, jealousy may have an adaptive purpose. When jealous, competitiveness can be inspired, which can then lead to improvement and hence a survival quality.

But an intense feeling of jealousy can produce real problems for the person harboring the jealousy as well as for the one at whom the feeling is directed. Chronic jealousy can ruin marriages, impair relationships between siblings and destroy friendships.

The difference between normal and pathological jealousy is sometimes compared to normal grief and pathological mourning. Recurrence of pathological jealousy in adult life can sometimes be traced to unresolved conflicts in childhood. Consider:

• The child who gets everything he wants.

• The child who always has to win in every game.

• The child who must always be “the head of the class.”

• The child who has never received a low grade in any subject.

• The child who must be told that he/she is the most beautiful.

Children who have never experienced failure, or who are coddled and petted over any insignificant disappointment will never sense frustration or defeat and will assume that life is always going to work in this fashion for them. When in adult life they are thwarted in any way, the resultant feeling can be those of jealousy, often unhealthy and malignant.

Pathologically jealous people may overcome difficulties if a security in relationships is found. Overcoming the belief that someone is going to replace them, or that someone else’s love is going to be all used up by the time it gets to them, is often the task of the counselor or individual providing the help.

Many times the irrational belief system of the jealous individuals can be altered and the pathological feelings can be replaced with healthier ones. Sometimes the person must be convinced that perfection is not always desirable that everyone has strengths and weakness. That each unique personally must develop his or her abilities and talents.

Next week I will discuss another emotion, envy.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2002