When Giving Advice Becomes A Problem

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I seem to attract friends and family who have psychological problems.

I receive phone calls, e-mails, and not to mention, people dropping by my home to unload their emotional baggage on me.

Not being trained to counsel people makes me feel uncomfortable, even afraid at times that I may give bad advice. Also, my work and family obligations do not allow me a lot of free time, and this fact often leaves me feeling resentful, unsympathetic, and then guilty for not wanting to be available when people need me.

My husband says that I bring this problem on myself by subtly sending out vibes that I am willing and available to give advice.

Can you please give me your take on this?

— A reader in North Carolina

Dear Reader:

In my opinion, your concerns are valid as you have recognized your limitations both in terms of your lack of training and your own time restrictions.

Remember that you can still love, feel compassion and concern for your friends without assuming the responsibility for being their counselor or therapist.

Untrained mental health counselors often fall into the trap of taking on other people’s problems as their own in the course of trying to help them. Don’t let their problems become your problem.

Help your friends and family cultivate other support systems by helping them focus on other appropriate options and alternatives for assistance besides you. Their pastor, a local support group or a counseling service can be places for them to find help.

You need to remember that being a good listener and sounding board, instead of attempting to solve other people’s problems or giving advice, can be very helpful.

Set some kind but firm boundaries in these relationships so that not only your friends and family can receive appropriate assistance, but also you can have your own needed physical and psychological space.

Please note, however, that if in your role as a concerned listener a crisis point is reached and an individual threatens self harm or harm to others, then active intervention is necessary and community emergency resources need to be notified immediately to meet these needs and avert any harm.

Strengthen your relationships by assuming a healthy and proper role in the lives of those who ask you for help. Recognize your own personal and family priorities and you will be helping both them and you.