Why Does Bad Chemistry Exist Between Two People?

Dear Hap:

There is a person in my social group with whom I have bad chemistry, and it is causing me problems.

She is an acquaintance, as opposed to a close friend, but I see her several times a month, usually in group settings. When we are together, there seems to be a strong tension between us that leads at times to verbal clashes when we discuss a subject.

She never returns my smiles or positive comments and instead actually frowns when I talk to her.

I feel that I have bent over backwards to cultivate a positive or at least a civil relationship with her, but it has been to no avail.

My husband thinks that I should simply confront her about my feelings, but this is not my style. Is it possible that she dislikes me for some unconscious reason, maybe because I remind her of someone from her past that she strongly dislikes?

-A reader in Connecticut


Dear Reader:

There are many reasons to possibly explain the ill will you feel coming your way.

The scenario that you mentioned above may be one explanation for what is transpiring but I would also consider other possibilities, such as: Do other people feel the same way you do?

If so, we must wonder if the acquaintance is an unlikable person to everyone. Then again, what about the possibility that she is a very troubled person who is very anxious or depressed, and this gives her little or no foundation for healthy communication skills?

Could she have received some information about you that arouses what you perceive as negative feeling toward you?
Maybe she feels like you present some kind of threat to her or she has a very competitive nature, which you somehow arouse.

Consider that there may be something about your behavior below your level of awareness that leads her to feel the way she does. Is there some mannerism, speech quality, or element of your body language that repels her?

Your feelings of bending over backwards to cultivate a positive relationship may have been misinterpreted by her.

Finally, remember that some people may not like you no matter how much you try to please them. Are you a people-pleaser who needs to be loved by everyone?

If you feel the need to explore this problem further, you may want to invite her to lunch in hopes of getting to know her better and perhaps improve the relationship.