Conflicts inevitable when families reunite

In the summer families usually spend more time together. With school schedules, younger kids are at home, college students may have returned, and the house is either brimming with activity, or a mixture of resumed chores and duties. Often, relatives and friends come to visit and many families attend reunions.

Whatever the reason, the reassembling of family members who have grown accustomed to new freedoms and a different structured life may create conflicts and even family disputes.

Many parents feel that all gatherings of their clan should result in harmony and peace. But family therapists disagree. They say that conflict within a family group is normal, and sometimes even part of understanding each individual and what their needs and boundaries are.

They do agree that families can avoid serious conflicts and can minimize bad feelings by improving communication skills.

• All family members should learn to really listen.

• To be open to hearing the other person's point of view.

• To be aware of what the other person's interests and goals are.

Here are some examples:

Tom is home from college and wants very much to play golf with some old high school buddies. His younger brother Joe is counting on him to drive him to an all-day soccer meet. Joe may say that Mom and Dad always given in to Tom, that they always have. Tom may say that Joe needs to grow up. Parents are tempted to decide the issue and except both sides to accept their decision. Mom and Dad have also become accustomed to family with fewer demands and each of them has developed activities and social obligations that are possible because they have less family responsibility. However, a better way to decide the issue would be to discuss the golf game and the soccer game. If the plans of either one cannot be changed, a compromise would be to find someone else to drive Joe or simply to trade times. I will take you to the soccer meet if you will let me play golf tomorrow when we had agreed to go to a movie.

Competition between older siblings may surface in outward signs of trivial accusations. Sometimes these unkind remarks or sources of sarcasm are unresolved conflicts that have been ongoing for a long time and are caused by hidden issues. Families should be aware that unmet psychological needs which are part of every child's life are sources of contention and often keep siblings from the harmony the parents desire. Some of these unmet needs are:

• Power and control. Tom feels that he is the elder member of the family and should have the power to make the decision.

• Competition. Joe has always felt that he had to compete for his family's attention and that Tom was always the one who got what he wanted.

• Attention. Joe feels that he doesn't get the attention and affection that he deserves. He really misses his older brother and feels that when he is home he should have lots of time with him.

• Freedom and separation. Tom has matured, grown away from feeling dependent on his parents and sibling. He doesn't want to lose this feeling of independence.

Families with even minor conflicts, such as these, need to learn to respect the other person, to see them as an individual.

Finally, families should take time to let the process of reassembly settle in. Everything cannot be resolved at once. There is an old saying about groups. The process of a group working harmoniously and democratically is threefold: Form storm, and norm. Or to be more explicit, the group is formed, then comes a period of storms and a great deal of compromising and push and pull. Finally, a group settles in and becomes the norm.

So it is with families. They get back together, air and express their differences, and finally emerge with a clearer, stronger, and healthier sense of who they are.

Copyright c 1995 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.