Living with the unsuccessful ager
The day began the same way six out of seven days. A whining, demanding and often sarcastic 80 year old mother wanted her daughter to bring her breakfast and wanted it right then. After breakfast, demands were made to be bathed, dressed and placed back in bed on fresh linens. Many of the tasks could have been performed by this self-defined invalid but her daughter continually yielded to the tirade of belittling and berating demands. The daughters requests for patience and civility were met with self pitying accusations of abuse and neglect, obvious manipulations that would begin the daily string of guilt trips for the overwhelmed caregiver who had come to believe that she could never do anything right. If her mother wasn’t criticizing her daughter, she was blaming her for something.
In fact, this octogenarian never assumed ownership for anything that went wrong. It was always somebody else’s fault. Additionally, her manipulative ploys often ended up pitting one family member against another. Tension was high in this household as the bitter and demanding mother served as a lightening rod. It was as though chaos was the order of the day since she had become the invited addition to the family. If she was ignored for any length of time she displayed martyred withdrawal or created another crisis that drew attention back to her. Her incessant need to control anything and everything in the environment around her had negatively affected the whole family. Pessimism, defeat and negativity hung over the household like a thick cloud of black smoke.
Having chosen to let her mother live with her husband and children in a spare bedroom seemed like a good decision at first. Numerous medical problems had made independent living impossible and threats of “I’ll die as soon as possible if you put me in a nursing home” caused her daughter to rule out a long term care facility. It was now obvious that what had begun as a caring, compassionate and overly dutiful daughter’s desire to care for her mother had turned into a nightmare and threat to the fabric that held the rest of the family together. The strength and vitality of the marriage was threatened along with the previously healthy pattern of communication between parents and children.
This unfortunate and unhealthy situation occurs in numerous households in this country today. The aging mother is a classic example of what some specialists in aging refer to as an unsuccessful ager. Having to deal with unsuccessful anger on a regular, ongoing basis is often very stressful, demanding and demoralizing. The toll that the unsuccessful ager demands falls not only on individuals but also on whole families as seen in the scenario previously sited.
Next week I will continue this discussion of the unsuccessful ager and discuss coping mechanisms for the caregivers.
