Dear Dr. LeCrone:
You recently wrote about seasonal stress syndrome and I need help with a specific stressful situation. My family always gathers around Christmas time for a large dinner. Over the years, the composition of this once small family has changed and now includes older adults, in-laws, and many children. The family “diversity” now has different traditions, varied religious and political views and ongoing family struggles. Unresolved family feuds and old psychological wounds are often brought up at this gathering and I am dreading it. Do you have any suggestions that may help me?
Dear Reader:
Families “evolve” as family members get older, marriages occur, children arrive and in-laws become part of the group. Family gatherings face the potential of tension and stress including family feuding. A full-blown family feud at a holiday gathering can really put a damper on things.
Here are some tips that might make your holiday gatherings happier and less stressful:
Consider holding gatherings in neutral territory. A room in a restaurant, a hotel guest suite, or a resort meeting room are examples of “non-turf” locations that may make some family members feel more comfortable. If the gathering is large, consider having a caterer and thus avoid potential hassles over who does what.
Invite some friends from outside the family to the gathering. Some people control their behavior more effectively when strangers are around. Also, new and interesting outsiders may bring fresh topics for discussion into the family function and help reduce the risk of drudging up old family grudges.
Resist the temptation to fall back into childhood roles during family gatherings. The “baby” of the family can now pull his or her own share of the duties and the oldest sibling is not responsible for making everyone happy.
Be careful about making alcoholic beverages too available or face the potential for loosened tongues, crying spells, and other emotional outbursts that frequently accompany too much alcohol in emotionally charged settings.
Remember that you can’t control anyone’s behavior but your own. Family gatherings are time limited and a good sense of humor along with the silent self-statement “this too shall pass” is often helpful in moving through a tense gathering.
Recognize that change is inevitable and healthy. Make your holiday gathering a time for new experiences and hopefully some happy memories.
Hi.
I’m an experienced Clinical Practitioner, Administrator, Professional Writer, and Lecturer.
