Should My Child Go To A Funeral?

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I am the mother of a 5-year-old daughter and need guidance about my daughter’s involvement in the events surrounding the funeral of a dear neighbor who is terminally ill and is not expected to live much longer. Should my daughter go to the funeral?

-A reader in Georgia

Dear Reader:

Your question is one posed by many parents in similar situations and, unfortunately, there is no simple answer. Please let me provide some of my thoughts on this issue.

Some of the factors to consider:

• The child’s level of understanding of death.

• The cultural background of the child.

• The extent to which other siblings may be involved.

• The closeness of the deceased to the child.

• The availability of parents, adult family members or close friends to be with the child during the funeral rituals.

Children often know that some big change has occurred when the death of a close friend or family member occurs. Letting a young child learn about death from unreliable resources or her own imagination can be problematic and include the possibility that the child will assume feelings of guilt, fear or other problems. My web site, www.haplecrone.com, contains information on explaining death to children.

Involvement in funeral rituals can help reduce denial and unhealthy grief and mourning responses in both children and adults. This being said, it should always be remembered that a child should not be forced to attend a funeral. Some children can better deal with end of life issues by reminiscence with family and friends, writing a poem, lighting a candle or saying a prayer.

If the child is to be included in the funeral, then appropriate preparation should occur including letting your child understand what to expect to see, hear, and feel. Explain the meaning for the rituals and the emotions that often occur with grief and mourning. Let your child’s questions help guide your discussion. Be honest and clear when explaining the details. Members of the clergy and funeral home staff can help with suggestions.

Be aware of what other people may be telling your child and make modifications if necessary.

Funerals are a time to say goodbye, remember people we love and acknowledge the fact that they are gone and cannot come back. Letting the child be a part of this process in an appropriate manner is important to their psychological well being.