Teen’s attitude could be from low self-esteem

Dear Dr. LeCrone: My 14-year-old son is having some problems in school, with his friends and especially with us, his parents. His grades have gone from A’s and B’s to D’s and F’s. He says he hates school and wants to quit.

His childhood friends have all but disappeared from his life. He says they are all “geeks” and “nerds” and doesn’t want to see them anymore. He has been downright ugly to several of them, and it’s no wonder that they have drifted away from him.

When he is at home with the rest of the family, he acts extremely unhappy. He shouts at us, back talks or stays in his room with his door closed.

My son’s whole attitude and behavior began to change when he started running around with his current group of friends.

Could you give me your thoughts about the influence of a child’s peers on behavior and what we, as parents, can do about these choices our son has made? – Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Let me share several thoughts about this problem and give some information that may be useful.

It is important to recognize that young people are naturally drawn together because the group process and peer interaction is one of the strongest needs of this period of development. Whether we, as parents, like it or not, many of teens’ attitudes, beliefs and behaviors are shaped by their peer groups. It is, therefore, critically important that every attempt be made to encourage and help young people develop affiliations with peer groups that have healthy, acceptable and desirable value systems.

During this time of human growth and development, one of the complicating factors that occurs is a natural tendency of the adolescent to have a negative attitude about the desires of his parents. This assertion of independence can get complicated when the more the parents encourages the child in a certain direction, the less likely the child seems to want to go that way.

Another important factor is that a complex set of expectations develop in adolescents about acceptability to peers. This strongly influences they groups toward which they migrate.

More specifically, a child with a poor self-concept is going to drift toward groups whose individuals have similar low self-regard. It is, therefore, extremely important that everything possible be done to instill a healthy self-concept in the young person to increase the likelihood that he will end up affiliating with others with a similar healthy outlook.

The young person with a poor sense of self-regard develops attitudes, beliefs and value systems that tend to be antisocial, unacceptable and unhealthy. The old cliché “birds of a feather flock together” illustrates this point.

Parents who lead their children into healthier environments, groups and social settings increase the likelihood of their children associating with the offspring of these groups.

Parents should attempt to start early – before adolescence – in attempting to influence peer choices.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1999