One of the most traumatic and stressful events in life is the death of a spouse. Widows have described the period as a void – one of total despair.
Although each person is a distinct individual and each relationship unique, people who have lost a spouse can cope and adjust to this time of life by giving thought and preparation to several areas of need.
• Accept the fact that the grieving process will not be brief. Having lost your mate, time will be the main medicine to ease the pain. Many widows have told me the grieving process has lasted up to two years. Having to work through the shock and separation, the deep sense of loss and then having to reconstruct a daily pattern of life can take time.
• Some widows find themselves alone for the firs time in their lives. Having married after completing school, starting a family and then readjusting to life as a couple again, many women never lived alone. The loneliness is intolerable, they say.
• Women need to assume responsibility for details like taking the car in for mechanical repairs, keeping up with warranties on appliances and knowing whom to call for home maintenance. Widows complained that repairmen have taken advantage of their lack of knowledge in these matters.
• Learn all you can about business affairs of your estate. Have a file or notebook with essential documents and their location. These include insurance policies, copies of marriage licenses, birth certificates, abstracts and deeds, retirement pensions and annuities, Social Security information, stocks and bonds, banking information such as checking or savings accounts and lock boxes, copies of both wills and income tax reports.
• Have a plan in mind to occupy your time and fill your days. If it s a matter of economics, have a workable skill to put to use. Women may need to update skills or may need retraining. If it is not necessary to earn income, women should offer service time to hospitals, schools, day-care centers, libraries, etc. Learn something new. Spend time on a hobby or craft.
• Don’t expect or rely on your children to pave the way for your widowhood status. Most children will be supportive, but will be proud of you if you allow them to lead their lives while you begin to reconstruct yours.
• Establish friendships that will sustain you. Widows whose social contacts were limited to three or four couples who were business associates have said they felt isolated and threatened when included as the odd person in the group. They wished they had made contacts of all ages, of all social strata and especially with other women. Although no words can take away the pain, it is nice to have someone to share the time.
• After the pain comes the healing. Since death is a part of life, a strong spiritual base is the most comforting source of acceptance and ultimate healing.
• Last of all, spouses should discus the possibility of one partner preceding the other in death. Although it may be difficult to talk about decisions, widows told me the pain would have been less than the agony of wondering if they had made the best decision.
In future articles, it may be wise to explore the adjustments necessary for a widower who has been dependent on his wife for his daily care and for supervision of all household matters.
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I’m an experienced Clinical Practitioner, Administrator, Professional Writer, and Lecturer.
