Can My Marriage Survive An Affair?

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

After five years of marriage, my spouse told me last week that she was having an affair. I am sleeping very fitfully at night because of the flood of emotions engulfing me. Shock, rage, fear, numbness, disbelief and bewilderment have shut down my desire to eat, talk to anyone or even leave the house. I am so depressed that I don’t even want to talk to friends or family at this point. Do all affairs end in divorce? — A reader in New York

Dear Reader:

Dealing with the decisions that you face requires adequate sleep and nutrition. Please see your physician very soon and apprise him of your present condition, including your depression.

Marriage survival is possible after an affair with hard work and commitment to the marriage by both people. The desire by both you and your wife to continue the marriage needs to be explored thoroughly and openly.

Your wife must stop the affair immediately. This may necessitate major changes, especially if she and the other man work for the same organization.

A display of deep and sincere sorrow with clear expressions of remorse and regret need to come from your wife if she expresses the desire to repair the marriage to new health and integrity.

To begin to reestablish trust, you need and deserve questions answered about the extramarital affair in a frank, open and nondefensive manner. Questions such as how and when the affair started, the frequency and meeting places of the interludes, who knows about the affair, along with the identity and background of the other man, need to be addressed. She should be willing to take AIDS or other STD tests. Explicit details of the sexual encounters are usually best left out.

Both you and your wife will probably experience emotional ups and downs, good days and bad days and feel uncertain about the future of the marriage, trust, forgiveness and future intimacy.

Exploring the dynamics of the marital relationship and events leading up to the time of the affair with a trained professional counselor is strongly encouraged. Basic elements of communication between the two of you, values you each hold, future accountability, your religious beliefs and measures of commitment to the relationship need to be addressed.

Although affairs are often very damaging to a marriage, time and effort on the part of both of you can allow healing to occur.