Grandparents Role During the Holidays

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My wife and I have been blessed with a large number of grandchildren over the past several years and we have been evaluating our involvement in the holiday activities of our children and grandchildren. We want to be a part of the festivities but not become overly involved, for their sake or ours. Can you please address this topic in your column?
Grandparents in Maine

Dear Grandparents:

Grandparents need to keep their role as helpful and ancillary rather than primary and dominant. They should enjoy being part of the “scene” without feeling the necessity of being the major players.

Grandparents should feel free to set boundaries and limits of their own. They shouldn’t be expected to spend excessive amounts of money on gifts, overtax themselves physically and emotionally, become mainly baby sitters for parents with a busy holiday schedule or be the cooks and housekeepers for extended families that want to converge upon the grandparents’ households.

Grandparents should be aware of the need for their adult children and grandchildren to be with other extended family members. In-laws become numerous as families expand and enlarge. Grandparents need to be certain that they don’t put all of their emotional needs at the holiday season into their grandchildren. Sharing time with all family members is essential for the growth and maturity of the grandchildren.

Grandparents should consult their adult children before buying certain gifts for the grandchildren. For example, while toy weapons or noisy games may appear to be “hot” items in the aisles of the toy department, they can be received with dread and annoyance since the parents have to “live with” these noise makers for a long time after the holiday season.

Grandparents need to refrain from letting their love and excitement for their grandchildren overpower the expressions of closeness for their own adult children. As one adult parent said to me, “I want my parents to love and adore my children but do they have to forget me in the process?”

Becoming a grandparent is one of the greatest milestones in an individual’s life. Leaving a set of happy memories and emotions with a grandchild is one of the greatest legacies a grandparent can bestow.