Help For The Sandwich Generation
Dear Dr. LeCrone:
My parents are both in their 80’s and in poor health. I am their primary caregiver which demands a lot of my time. My adult children also need me to baby sit, help them financially, and serve as a strong shoulder to lean on when things aren’t going well in their personal lives. I am truly a member of the sandwich generation that is caught between my parents and my children. What can you suggest to help me?
-A reader in Texas
Dear Reader:
Recognize that unhealthy dependency can be a source of difficulty. Many individuals create their own “trap” by doing too much for both their parents and their children.
Frequently adult children gradually assume more and more responsibility for the decisions and well being of their aging parents. As a result, aging parents may develop the belief that they need their children to help them manage their lives entirely, make all decisions and provide the main source of happiness for them.
These same adult children create a parallel problem if they make all the decisions for their own children, and leave them without the psychological resources needed to think independently and make good decisions.
People with an unhealthy need for control frequently fall into this trap. Deciding to change strategies and encourage more independence in their parents and children can be difficult if there has been a long history of control problems. Therefore, an introspective examination of one’s own feelings about healthy control and involvement can prevent the emergence of problems later in life.
When the inevitable conflicting demands do arise, a realistic examination of priorities and feelings of responsibility can help. Obtaining assistance from other family members, community support services and the loving encouragement of self-sufficiency can all be of help.
Recognize that this period in life will not last indefinitely. Viewing this time as a stage of growth and development in the family’s life cycle can help. A sense of humor goes a long way during these frustrating times in helping to cope and adjust more effectively. Also, it is often helpful to talk to others who are going through or have gone through this stage of life. You often can learn from their solutions in coping with similar problems.
Above all, don’t neglect your own needs at this time. Set aside time to recharge your psychological batteries so you can deal more effectively with the needs of those who need your help.
