Living With An Angry Older Adult

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My 80-year-old mother lives at home with me and my husband, has her own bedroom and eats most of her meals with us. Her vision and hearing are impaired, but she refuses to wear her hearing aids. Her memory is also failing.
She has always been very self-centered, outspoken, and opinionated, but, until recently, she was able to control her temper. Over the last year or so, she has begun complaining incessantly about everything from the food to the temperature in the house and is very verbally abusive when she does complain.

Fortunately, my husband is very laid back, patient and forgiving, but her anger is beginning to wear us both down. Can you give us some suggestions on how to deal with her?

-A reader in Nevada

Dear Reader:

Her family physician should rule out any medical explanations for the change in her behavior that you have noted over the past year. This should include a mental health evaluation including assessment for depression and dementia.

Your mother’s memory and hearing impairments may necessitate modifying your communication with her. For example, you may need to talk more slowly, face your mother when speaking to her (many hearing-impaired individuals read lips), and keep communication simple and direct. Also, encourage her to consult a hearing specialist who can hopefully adjust her hearing aids and encourage her to wear them.

Try to avoid personalizing her negative verbal comments. If her personality has always been a challenge to you, her present cognitive and emotional status may be making a bad situation worse.

When she is angry, frustrated and disturbed try to find out what is bothering her before assuming that you know what may be causing her discomfort.

Take care of yourself. Practice good health and stress management techniques, including proper diet, sleep, exercise and relaxation. Don’t “bottle up” your own frustration.

You may want to consider professional counseling for your mother and also to help you and your husband deal with caregiver stress.

Community resources for both you and your mother might be helpful. For example, adult day service programs serve two purposes. They provide basic care, activities, and socialization to enhance the quality of life of the person attending the program and give respite to the primary caregiver. A link to these services can be found at www.nadsa.org . Another excellent resource is www.eldercare.org.

Good luck to all three of you.